Random Fact About Me #8

I talk to myself, and I don't trust anyone who says they don't. Either they really do talk to themselves but are too cowardly to admit it, or they don't talk to themselves, which suggests they don't really have anything to say. Why should anyone else talk to you if you aren't thinking thought interesting enough to capture your own attention and engage you in a conversation?

FLIP MONSON, FETCH THE TWELVE

That was written on a sign I saw at a rally in Salt Lake City on Friday, November 7, protesting the Mormon church's huge financial efforts to pass Prop 8 in California, amending the CA constitution to ban gay marriage.

If you're Mormon, you'll know what it means. In case you're not, I'll explain it.

"Flip" and "fetch" are both euphemisms for THE f-word as expletive, but not the f-word as verb. If you're Mormon and you want to talk about sex, you wouldn't say, for instance, "I saw two dogs flipping." Or, "Mormon newlyweds are often so sexually ignorant that they can't figure out how to fetch." It just sounds silly.

But you would say, in order to remain unsullied by profanity but still convey a certain intensity, "I am so flippin' angry," or "That idea is really fetchin' stupid," or even, "What a firetruckin' mess."

The current president of the Mormon church is a pompous blowhard named Thomas Monson. He's ridiculously vain about his looks (seriously, the guy is UGLY) and not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. He became prophet by achieving seniority in "the quorum of the twelve apostles," the dozen old men who, along with the president, govern the Mormon church.

So the statement "FLIP MONSON, FETCH THE TWELVE" is a clever way of saying what I want to say now:

FUCK THE HIERARCHY OF THE MORMON CHURCH.

Ralph Nader Can Kiss My Ass

In 2000, I had all these friends in the Green Party who were always going on and on about how great Ralph Nader is, and how there was no difference at all between Republicans and Democrats. I tried to say that there was a lot of difference--I should know, having been a Republican most of my life. "It's because you used to be a Republican that you can't see how liberal Democrats AREN'T," my friends would tell me.

"That may be," I'd reply. "But that doesn't mean there's no difference between Democrats and Republicans."

"But most of the legislation that gets enacted in this country reflects a very narrow ideological view," they'd say.

"But that doesn't necessarily mean the parties are the same," I said. "That has something to do with the compromises that have to be when you have two different parties arguing about the direction the country should take."

And I remember one barbecue where this guy was going on and on about how Nader was our only hope, blah blah blah, and we had to vote for him, because really, it wouldn't make any difference if a Republican or a Democrat was in the White House. "We should just give this election to the conservatives," he said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

What's the worst that could happen, indeed.

And then Ralph Nader goes and says this:



You're a pathetic old irrelevancy, Ralph. Fuck you.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

9 p.m. Mountain Standard Time. MSNBC calls the presidential race for Obama.

We did it. We elected the right guy.

For the first time this millennium, I am actually proud of my country.

He Loves America That Much